Now playing: “Why Do I Get A Good Feeling” by MUNA

Hello from New York City where peak spring may be hitting right as the Knicks learn which Eastern Conference Semifinals survivor they're taking on as they chase glory. I'm writing this on one of the little tables outside of Film at Lincoln Center's Walter Reade Theater, and I think won't be the last time I'm carving out the newsletter from this location. 

This might surprise you, it might not, but I've historically got a weird thing about compliments. Sometimes, I cannot take them, other times, I care about them so much that my brain basically laminates them and puts them in a for-safe-keeping part of my brain. Once, someone I idolized (all I'll say is that dude is forever limitless) told me something over email that still makes my eyes water in happiness. Last summer, someone I was on a first date with called me pretty, and it was the first time I'd ever gotten that word. I bring all of this up not to reveal how I may or may not be starved for flattery, but because I have been obsessed with the compliment for 12 days now, because that was how long ago someone at the office reminded me how strong words can be.

This was one of a few recent moments that inspired me to write this newsletter, as I scrawled “the power of the compliment” in my notebook. I was reminded about the power we have to make small but noticeable changes for the good. To be memorable in a good way, and all it requires is sincerity, the ability to observe and express. We live in a particularly dire time when it comes to having one’s reasons for joy and happiness outnumbered by the reasons for despair. I know this because I don’t need to make a list of what’s wrong, you already did that when you read that sentence.

What made such an impact? A younger person I'd never met complimented my outfit at the office, and so as I posted online “be prepared to see as many variations of this as I can figure out." I stammered, I smiled, and I practically fist-pumped once they were far enough away to not see me. I internalized that compliment strongly, and in the days that followed, I learned that shirt/jacket (shacket?) is no longer made, and that I could get two other colors of the same pair of pants (and that neither is as good as the brown pair you see in the photo).

In the nearly-two-weeks that followed, I became hyper-attuned to observing how people give and receive compliments. As someone who spent the last year or so trying to perfect the act of the polite compliment, I had to write it all out.

This is not a blog post that's meant to explain flirtation or anything like that. The compliment is not a conversation-starter, though that could happen. It's not transactional. Maybe, hopefully, you'll get a nice reaction, and even better, your compliment meant something to them.

That means your compliment may be the entirety of your interaction. By the time the person at the office told me they liked my outfit, I was able to thank them and then they had already moved on. This is what’s happened with the vast majority of compliments I've given, and it's always great to get that "thank you!" as I'm walking away. 

If there is no reaction, that’s OK too. You don’t know the mood someone is in. You don’t know what they think about the thing you complimented. Keep it moving.

I know one person (and I'm not naming names) who is enjoying flattering comments from strangers about their looks right now, and I also know they are the exception to the rule here. When I compliment a stranger, I am not complimenting a muscle or a smile or some other part of them. Those remarks are for someone who you know better than that. Someone who feels safe with you.

Even if you're talking about tattoos, complimenting someone who isn't a part of your life about their skin is a step too far. A lot of people, you might not realize this, are tired of the same questions about their tattoos. For being fetishized for them. If someone tells you about their tattoos, or anything, that's an opportunity to ask or compliment. 

The funny thing about that office outfit that got me that reply is that I'd almost worn the exact same thing before, but I'd switched my under shirt to a brighter piece that popped against the dark green shacket, and I'd also not worn sunglasses with it all. I’d also not worn those blue sneakers, either. I was concerned. That day, to put it in words I've only started using these past few years: I figured out how to style it all better. And this is a huge thing I want to point out, telling someone you love their outfit can give them that "yes, I finally got it right," moment.

If it's just one piece of the outfit, though, focus on that thing. The guillotine earrings on the person in front of me at the farmer's market yesterday. The bootleg Michael Mann's "Heat" t-shirts mostly worn by dudes around town. The "Holden Caulfield" shirt a stranger was wearing at the Metrograph. The "One Battle After Another"-inspired shirt that that same stranger complimented me about. If I ever see someone with the Frank Ocean shirt I got from his "Nostalgia, Ultra" mini tour? They're getting a compliment about how cool it is. 

Whether that item is brand new or a retro piece that your friend has kept forever or simply found at a good secondhand thrift store? As long as you're applauding with sincerity, you’re golden. People will be able to tell if you're lying (unfortunately people will also sometimes thinking honest compliment is insincere), and giving a hollow compliment is worse than saying nothing. 

Thank you for reading this far.

Next time, I may finally write the thing I’ve been scratching at about people opting out of dating